Sitting in my chair--the chair that has become an extension of me during quarantine--I felt this overwhelming need to write. I usually can quell this feeling with a FB post, or just scrolling absently through my feed, but today there are a lot of big thoughts. Maybe this is because the section in Disciplines for the Inner Life that I am lackadaisically reading is on journaling. My first thought when I read that "Journalling" is the title the of the chapter I'm supposed to be almost finished with today (I took a three day break, so, um, yeh) was (also, I'm not proofreading these verbs. Feel free to proofread mentally if that's your thing. I'll only judge you mildly.) "Sigh. Another chapter to make me feel guilty about the loser I am at all things I'm supposed to be doing in my life."
See I have this constant tension--the me I should be and the me I actually am. I should wake up at 5 and get myself emotionally prepared for the day ahead of me. I actually get up 10 minutes after I the last moment when I could realistically be ready for my day on time. I should walk every day for at least 30 minutes and I should enjoy it. I actually force myself to walk around the circle of my street every once in a while so that Logan can ride his bike and I can scream at him to "STOP!" when cars are going too quickly around curves. I should limit my own and my family's screen time. I actually get alerts that my screen time has gone up 25% every week.
When I look at FB and Instagram, I don't envy vacations or homes or svelte bodies. I envy service and productivity and good parenting.
In January I had a come to Jesus moment with myself. I said, "Self, stop beating yourself up because you are not a morning person, you are not a person who writes notes to people, you change your family's sheets every once in a while when you remember it. Just stop it. How is it adding a minute onto your life? How is it helping anyone? Start embracing who you are and by God, you are 44. Don't you think it is time you figure it out?" (My inner voice is not very kind even when she is trying to be kind. The irony of her tone is not lost on me).
So my New Year's Resolution is/was to be confident in who I am--whoever that is--and to stop the shoulds.
And man, this is hard work. I feel them creeping in all the time, and I always wonder if they are the voice of God. Is this God nudging me? Should I listen to this voice? Or should I just take a nap?
Most of the time I take a nap.
So I am saying all of this to say this--I think I might lackadaisically journal. Maybe. Maybe this is who I am? Maybe I can do this instead of walking around this block? This sounds like more fun.
See I have this constant tension--the me I should be and the me I actually am. I should wake up at 5 and get myself emotionally prepared for the day ahead of me. I actually get up 10 minutes after I the last moment when I could realistically be ready for my day on time. I should walk every day for at least 30 minutes and I should enjoy it. I actually force myself to walk around the circle of my street every once in a while so that Logan can ride his bike and I can scream at him to "STOP!" when cars are going too quickly around curves. I should limit my own and my family's screen time. I actually get alerts that my screen time has gone up 25% every week.
When I look at FB and Instagram, I don't envy vacations or homes or svelte bodies. I envy service and productivity and good parenting.
In January I had a come to Jesus moment with myself. I said, "Self, stop beating yourself up because you are not a morning person, you are not a person who writes notes to people, you change your family's sheets every once in a while when you remember it. Just stop it. How is it adding a minute onto your life? How is it helping anyone? Start embracing who you are and by God, you are 44. Don't you think it is time you figure it out?" (My inner voice is not very kind even when she is trying to be kind. The irony of her tone is not lost on me).
So my New Year's Resolution is/was to be confident in who I am--whoever that is--and to stop the shoulds.
And man, this is hard work. I feel them creeping in all the time, and I always wonder if they are the voice of God. Is this God nudging me? Should I listen to this voice? Or should I just take a nap?
Most of the time I take a nap.
So I am saying all of this to say this--I think I might lackadaisically journal. Maybe. Maybe this is who I am? Maybe I can do this instead of walking around this block? This sounds like more fun.
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